There is a problem plaguing America. A subset of the population has turned against the greater good and must be stopped. These people, they're hooligans, and they get all hopped up on "candy" before they go out into the night donning masks with the intent to terrorize suburban homeowners. Lawmakers are concerned. Mothers are scared. Old people in general are terrified! These troublemakers simply must be stopped before anyone else becomes frightened. But how do you stop teenagers from wearing costumes and asking for candy on Halloween? I know of no better way than Local Ordinances.
Halloween is a sacred day, reserved for pagan rituals, goat-sacrifices and the eating of raw meats. It is only by fulfilling these obligations that the mighty Cthulhu is kept at bay and these jokers wandering the streets in search of candy dressed as ninjas, ghosts, and popular movie characters are really getting in the way of the real, and very much world-saving, Halloween observence.
For those lucky citizens who live in the towns governed by these ordinances against false observence; they may in future years find themselves not harrassed but protected by these hooligans. The time they might have spent preparing their frightful costumery and collecting "candy" can now be better spent studying the great traditions passed down by our forefathers since before history began to protect our progeny from demonic infestation. We can expect the proper execution of the live animal sacrifice, the burning of the upside-down cross that heals all wounds, and ultimately the great mega-orgy as foretold in the prophecies.
For those who are not so lucky... they must continue to suffer at the hands of these awful "citizens" who they demand "have the right" to don their evil costumes and seek their unhealthy treats.
Trick or treat neighbor, I'm here to ensure your ultimate doom at judgment day. Give me your candy.
Things are looking pretty grim, but there must be a Bright Side to this story...
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